| I haven't used this thing for it's intended purpose in a very long time. I always think I'm going to kick it back up and start putting it to use, but I never do. I mean I guess it's a step up from neatly boxing up everything in my head and trying to make it fit inside the rest of me. I'm just going to start spewing things, tortuously riveting or excruciatingly dull.
I've been doing a lot of nothing. My paranoia and apathy have both grown over the last couple of years almost in sync with each other. Kinda hard to manage. I feel very separated from everything most of the time, and the longer I stay separated the harder it seems to go back, and the more challenging it is to make a connection that's worth while.
In fact, reading back on this thing kind of sparked a lot of revelations. I was social and patient and responsive and spontaneous to the point of idiocy sometimes. I feel like all of that is gone. The friends I had and the friendships I had with them are solidified in grey slate as memories. Visual memories. I can only look at how I was; how we were. I can't dig my fingers into it and get any of it back. Everyone changes. That's such a huge sentence for only being only two words. Everyone changes. We're changing right now. Forming new ideas that will manifest into the core of a belief or preference which will dictate the choices you make when faced with any kind of option, monumental or infinitesimal. Even the people I've known for years and years seem like they're just far away. I know they're around, but I feel like everyone's novelty has worn off and the fun of meeting people and establishing good connections that will last a lifetime have just faded and we were dealt our cards, and the relationships we have is the hand we were dealt. I'm dying by the river. We're all just a bunch of fucking weirdos who want someone to the left and right to look at when we need some stimulus or response. I miss you. I miss loving you. I miss having to get away with shit and the magical hours of friendship and potential consequence without even giving a fuck what's going to happen next. I miss being electrified by summer. I miss having to check in with the parents and tangle up the phone lines to do what we wanted. Now I can just drive a block, go to the seediest places I want, buy a bottle of cheap shit and get hammered until I do something stupid and want to die in the morning. I guess the grass is always greener, so to speak.
I'm in my first band. Lizard Police. It's me, Mitch, Nick, and Clay Flores. Three people I always admired but never knew during that so-called "magic" time. I wish I'd gotten to know them. This may have been my third or fourth band if I had. We're playing at Soundpony on the 19th of December. Playing a show gives me that feeling that I'm seven years old and I'm about to go to a fucking righteous birthday party for some kid in my class, and all my friends will be there and we don't have to listen to a teacher or write anything. Just fucking noise and sugar in various forms existing simply to be devoured and satiate your need for indulgence and entertainment. Should have been doing this all along.
My cousin is having twins. He's 25. I remember playing Street Fighter when we were kids. I don't remember any actual gameplay, I just remember that's something we did. Trampolines, bikes, video games, and dart guns. Twins. I'll be an uunnccllee.
Well. I guess that's all I have to say.
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New Artwork; Adobe Illustrator.
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fluores
cent
light bulbs will
make an absence of dark but the light
just
ain't
there still. |
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